Self Examination

I'm in an introspective mood this morning.  I was looking at the title of my blog and wondering "Am I TRULY finding my way?" or am I just kind of floating along though life at the whim of the current.  I struggle sometimes with wondering what my worth is and why I am here.  If I'm still alive in 20 or 30 years, will I look back and feel that I contributed something to the world around me?  These are the kind of crazy thoughts that get in my head and just swirl around dragging me deeper and deeper into the blues.  I am really tired of my life and the rut I've gotten in to.  I know WHAT to do, now I have to DO IT!

I think I'm looking forward to retirement!

I took off Thursday and Friday so I've had a great long weekend.  I sometimes wonder if I will like eventually being retired or if I will get bored not having a routine.  Well - I've sure enjoyed this time off from work!  I've done a few projects and rested a lot!

One of the projects I did was to set up a charging station in my bedside table.  It involved a drill, lots of sawdust and some sweat but I think it will make that table more usable.  I tend to just leave my cell phone in my purse and as a result, I don't hear it ring sometimes.  Thursday night, I didn't have a phone with me in the bedroom and didn't hear Kathy's calls and I think she was a little frantic when she couldn't reach me.  I'm sure she was over reacting a bit given that this week would have been Dan's birthday but I just want the family to be able to reach me. 

We are planning a trip to DC in mid-September.  I'm looking forward to that.  I need to continue losing weight and exercising so I'll be in better shape for the walking that we'll do. 

No big plans for the rest of today.  Just want to continue enjoying my mini vacation!

Weekly recap

Coming to the end of the weekend.  It has been a good week.  On Thursday, Rhonda and Tammy came to dinner.   It was so good to have some girl time.  It was very interesting to listen to both of them talk about problems in their relationships.  I am very content being single right now.  I don't know that I will ever want to seek out another relationship.  It takes so much work from both parties.  I've never been in a relationship with someone who was willing to work at it and take some responsibility.  I don't know what that would be like!

Yesterday I went to Kingston and we had a small family get together.  I got to see some cousins I hadn't seen in a while.  That was a good time.

Unfortunately, I started having the worst fibro flare yesterday afternoon.  I haven't been eating well so today I'm back on the low carb plan.  I do believe that eating low carb has some anti inflammatory properties for me.  It's not always the easiest plan to stick with but I do get a lot of benefits when I do.  I went to the grocery store yesterday and I'm pretty well set for good food choices.  I think it is really good since I saw a report that milk may hit $6 a gallon!  I'd rather have meat!

I still struggle with discipline

I want to be a woman of discipline.  Why is that so hard for me?  I think because it goes against my very nature.  I am basically a lazy person at heart.  I know that to become a woman of discipline means that I work that muscle every day and as I do, it will get stronger and therefore more attainable.  I can't plan for anything further than today.  For today I will eat right and take care of myself.  That's all I can do.

Why is discipline so hard?

I feel like I need to do a better job at work.  I have struggled with finding my rhythm again after the change in job duties.  It's hard for me to feel like I have enough to offer to patients and the staff and I know I spend too much time in my office.  That only leads to my being fearful and even paranoid that others don't see my worth.  The way to change that is to change my own behavior right?  That's my goal for tomorrow!

My Creed

I found this creed last week and have changed it a bit to make it more personal for me.

I am a child of God, seeking each day to grow into the kind of person God wants me to be and live out my faith in front of those whom He has placed in my life whom I nurture and serve, as well as my church, community, and beyond, as God sees fit. I am committed to do all of this so that I may bring glory to God.

As such, I am trustworthy, self-controlled, pure in thought and action, kind, and hard-working.  I have a great attitude, a high level of enthusiasm and energy, and a fun-loving sense of humor.  I have a healthy self-image, a passion for what is right, and a solid hope for the future.  I am honest, sincere, sensitive, caring, unselfish, and committed to my relationships with others and the tasks at hand.  I am a good listener, patient, encouraging, giving, and forgiving.  I am disciplined, motivated, organized, and focused as well as intelligent, persistent, and creative.  I am flexible, punctual, hospitable, and frugal, making the best use of the resources God has given us and sharing the rest with those in need.  Words of wisdom, kindness and compassion are ever on my tongue and my convictions are strongly planted in God’s word.  I have ambitious goals and plans for the future and have established specific strategies to accomplish these life-giving goals, Lord willing.

I am health-conscious, physically fit, and take pride in my appearance as well as what I do knowing that I am representing the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and that it is my responsibility to be physically ready for whatever task God may call me to do.

I use the gifts, skills, talents and training God has placed in my life to help support my family, bring God glory and further His kingdom.  I delight and give praise to God in whatever circumstances I find myself and always face the new day with a smile.  I am an honorable person who is truly grateful for the opportunities God has given me.  God knit these qualities in me before I was born and I fully intend to develop these marvelous qualities with which I have been entrusted.

If read at night, close with:  Tonight I am going to bed early so that I may sleep wonderfully well.  I will rest in the peace and assurance of Christ and will awaken energized and refreshed for the magnificent day that is going to be tomorrow.

If read in the morning, close with:  Today is the first day of the rest of my life and it is wonderful because God has made it so.

A Fresh Start

I realize it is sort of strange but I really do love Mondays because it feels like a fresh start to the week!  Anything I did (or didn't do!) over the last week is wiped clean and I can resolve to be better this week.  I read back over the blog last night and was struck by the fact that soooooooo many times, I've written about wanting to lose weight, spend less money, be a more faithful Christian, etc...  In essence, BE MORE DISCIPLINED!  I know WHAT to do, it is a matter of DOING the right thing!  I know that it is like a muscle, the more you doing something, the easier it becomes.  My goal this morning is to focus on the next 7 days.  I am breaking that into 7 parts and I will get through one part at a time. 

Today's goals:  - no spending
                           - eating according to my plan
                           - get a good night's sleep tonight!